“The child should love everything they learn, for their mental and emotional growth are linked.”
– Dr. Maria Montessori, To Educate the Human Potential
Transitions Happen
Whether we are making sure we have everything we need in order to leave the house for school or work, or trying to recalibrate our lives after a move or a change in a relationship, making the shift from one activity, situation, or environment to another challenges our mental and emotional regulation skills.
As adults, we have had years of practice with this process.
We are usually able to recognize the emotions we are feeling, calm our nervous systems, and perform the actions required to adjust to the new situation. In doing so, we are practicing patience, self-regulation, and problem solving. We can even do these things without conscious intention most of the time – with enough repetition, the steps become second nature.
What happens, though, if we cannot regulate ourselves adequately when faced with a disruptive change or challenging shift in our lives?
How do we behave, for example, when we are suddenly interrupted in the middle of concentrating on a task that we are trying to finish, especially if it happens multiple times?
When we are asked to drop everything we were doing and shift immediately to something else, especially under pressure, what feelings come up for us?
In these situations, we might become irritated and snap at the person who interrupted us; if the situation is especially emotionally charged, we may even yell, or cry. Sometimes we are rough with objects, like putting down our tools or closing a door a little harder than necessary, or stomping our feet as we walk.
In this context, do any of these behaviors sound familiar to the ones we encounter with our children during transitions?
By seeing ourselves and recognizing our own struggles in the behaviors of our children, we can more easily extend empathy and compassion to them as they learn and grow.
After all, our children have never held jobs that punished them for being late or had financial pressure on them to accomplish certain tasks within a time limit. Young children, especially, don’t have context for why “arriving on time” is important, or even how time works in the adult world.
As their trusted adults, it is important that we consider what tools and practices we want our children to have as they grow into adults themselves and learn more about these pressures.
If we want our children to have the ability to stay calm under stress and regulate their emotions and behaviors even when it is challenging, we need to understand more about their developmental stage in order to offer them appropriate support and meet them where they are.
Planes of Development
In the philosophy outlined by Dr. Montessori, children move through developmental stages called “Planes of Development.” Rather than thinking of a child’s evolution in terms of one specific age, Dr. Montessori recognized that each child will reach general developmental milestones sometime within a span of time.
These Planes of Development each last about six years and share general characteristics and developmental readiness milestones. They can be further subdivided into the first-half and second-half of each plane that have their own pattern of rapid growth followed by stabilization.
In the first plane of development – which refers to children between birth and six years old – children are still developing language and communication skills. They are exploring the world with their senses and depend on consistent routines taught to them by their trusted adults to help them learn to know what to expect.
When these routines are disrupted, or a difficult transition occurs, we may see our children cry, become confrontational, or physically fight against the change.
In the second plane of development – which refers to children between six and twelve years old – children are gaining more independence and autonomy, though they still rely on being able to predict and account for changes in their environment, activities, and experiences.
Their need for belonging in a group shifts from a focus on parental relationships to a focus on peer relationships and they begin testing social norms and the boundaries set by adults.
When unexpected or unwelcome disruptions occur, second plane children may argue or debate, ignore or refuse to follow instructions, procrastinate or avoid taking actions, or complain about the fairness of the request.
In the third plane of development – which refers to adolescents between twelve and eighteen years old – the challenges associated with transitions are typically associated with larger life events such as moving, changing family dynamics, determining their own identity, or differentiating themselves from the adults and peers in their lives.
When adolescents are challenged by transitions like these, they may withdraw from activities, experience volatile moods or irritation, or become increasingly self-conscious.
Preparation
To help our children deal with these hard moments, regardless of which plane of development they are currently in, we can begin with preparing ourselves before the moments occur.
In Montessori pedagogy, preparation is a keystone component of both the environment and the adults within it.
When it comes to transitions, mentally and emotionally preparing ourselves as adults can help smooth out some of the potential rough spots with our children in advance.
We can prepare ourselves and our environment in a variety of ways.
For example, if getting dressed for school in the morning is always stressful, we could invite our children to pick out their clothing the night before and put the outfit in an easily accessible place in order for them to dress themselves in the morning.
If morning drop off is hard, especially at the beginning of a new school year, it may help to take our children to the school on a weekend and walk them through what the drop off procedure will be like. We can help them reframe the transition as an exciting change, rather than an unwelcome one.
If your family is experiencing a larger transition, it can be helpful to find a way to come together to process the feelings that are coming up, rather than isolating away from one another. It might be helpful to see if your child has any thoughts or feelings they would like to share with you, and they may appreciate you choosing to be vulnerable with them in sharing your own in a way that is age-appropriate for your child.
Change can be hard for everyone, but it can be easier if everyone feels like part of the same team.
Holding Space
Sometimes, we all need to be reminded that having Big Feelings is a normal part of being human, and that acknowledging them is acceptable.
As adults, we sometimes avoid or deny our feelings – this can create barriers both within ourselves and between ourselves and our children. When we tell ourselves that it is silly to have feelings of frustration or irritation about the fact that our children struggle to transition between activities, we are denying ourselves the grace and courtesy we need to acknowledge our feelings are also valid and real.
These feelings are valuable sources of information. By allowing ourselves to feel those feelings and by trying to understand them, we can process the information they are giving us.
Being realistic about the difficulty of dealing with change can also help us teach our children resilience and perseverance. By acknowledging that it can be hard, we can remind them (and ourselves) that we can all do hard things.
Building Trust
When children experience transitions between places, routines, and experiences, they are building trust in their relationships with the adults around them, and in their own capacity to handle the challenges that come with those transitions.
Young children need to learn to trust that their adults will come back to them at the end of the school day. They also need to learn to trust the adults and peers with whom they are learning and growing during their school day.
Additionally, families are learning to trust that the school is the best place for their children to invest their time. Parents are always welcome to call the front office for reassurance that their children are doing well and have adjusted to being in the classroom.
Our school and our families are all part of the same team, building trusting relationships together, in support of the children.
As Dr. Montessori said, “Of all things, love is the most potent.”
